The answer to the question you never asked me.

Why was I so caught up and so hurted?

Firstly, if you wanna know something about me, ask me instead of 1 of my best friends.
Answer:
-If you leave me alone and hurt me, it will hurt me 10 times harder than it will hurt you.
-If you leave me&hurt me like that, you will damage my trust in you.
So yes, thinking before acting is better. Better luck next time. I hope these things will cross your mind. 

Don't mistake me for you.
I am NOT you. 

We are different, in case you didn't notice yet.

Saving me.

I remember the moment you threw me on the ground and killed me.
You weren't there to save me when I needed you...
I guess you didn't know me back then.
You didn't know anything about my heart and my life.
You just broke me and did not think about me.
Afterwards I explained you how I felt back then.
You were stunned, because you didn't expect that I would feel this way..
This hurted...
Because you didn't know me...
Somehow I wish we would have never met...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JQiEs32SqQ

=]

Yesterday's pain will fly away.
While today is still here,
And tomorrow is on it's way.

And I have seen everything changing so much lately.
Because of that,
I feel so much better now.
=]

Addiction

I know you.
I know you way too well.
And somehow I knew this was going to happen.
And also,
I know way too well,
That is not going to end any time soon.

Lock.

You made me smile.
You made me shine and glow on the inside and on the outside.
And that smile will stay.
But the shine and the glow just died.
And I know a part of me is out of reach.
You can't take my heart.
And I know you don't make me glow anymore.
Because I feel a lock when I look you in the eyes.
A lock on my heart.
A lock that forbids me to feel anything when you are around.
Yes, I still really appreciate your company.
But I don't want to feel something,
That has no meaning at all...

And I can't hate you.
And I don't want to stop caring about you.
But that's slowly slipping away.
And I feel like there is nothing I can do...

Forbidden.

No!
It is forbidden to speak.
It is forbidden to move.
It is forbidden to think and feel.
It is forbidden to hold on..
...
But the more you think of it...
This will only make you hold on even more...
And if you are doing one of the above, then you are also holding on...

Soooo,
What do you do when you are letting go then?

 

 

Empty.

You destroyed the burning fire inside of me.
It might be better this way.

You created an empty world inside of me.
I think it's better that I stopped running away.
And just told you the truth.
So you know.

But still,
It's not like,
I hate you...
I hate myself for that.

Same time: 03:30 ...

Same time...
Different setting...
Without you...
Without awkwardness...

But still,
I wish you were here...

Just tonight.

Here we are and I can't think from all the pills right
Start the car and take me home
Here we are and you're too drunk to hear a word I say
Start the car and take me home

Just tonight I will stay
And we'll throw it all away
When the light hits your eyes
It's telling me I'm right
And if I, I am through
And it's all because of you
Just tonight

Here I am and I can't seem to see straight
But I'm too numb to feel right now
Here I am watching the clock that's ticking away my time
I'm too numb to feel right now

Just tonight I will stay
And we'll throw it all away
When the light hits your eyes
It's telling me I'm right
And if I, I am through
And it's all because of you
Just tonight

Do you understand who I am?
Do you wanna know?
Can you really see through me now?
I am about to go

Just tonight I won't leave
And I'll lie and you'll believe
Just tonight I will see
It's all because of me

Just tonight I will stay
And we'll throw it all away
When the light hits your eyes
It's telling me I'm right
And if I, I am through
And it's all because of you
Just tonight

(Do you understand who I am?)
It's all because of you
Just tonight
(Do you understand who I am?)
It's all because of you
Just tonight
(Do you understand who I am?)
It's all because of you
Just tonight


http://www.aimini.net/view/?fid=SuelvLXwZNYUxbjIWTtF

Still alive.

We do what we must
because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.
But there's no sense crying over every mistake.
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done.
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are still alive.
I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!

Wash away.

Let the rain wash away the sorrow of yesterday.
Let the rain wash away my fear.
Let the rain wash away my fire that is not supposed to be here.
Let the rain wash away my tears.
You are not here to wipe them away.

Time.

And I don't know why....

The only thing I do know,
That sometimes I wish you would disappear...
Because they say time solves everything.
But there is no time.
And I have no patience at all...

Locked.

I know I need to...
But I don't know how...

And somehow I wish you were here,
So I could talk to you.
So you could tell me,
What you are doing is wrong.
And I know I have been doing it wrong all along.
But I can't seem to find another way.

And I know my chances pass me.
But I don't have the courage to speak.
And I want to be honest and I want to say it all.
But I can't.

It's like,
If I open more to you,
I will fall even harder.
I know every locked emotion, will be unlocked.
And there is nothing I can do about that.
I locked my words deep inside my heart.

One day I will open up to you.
And I will talk to you.
After you promised me.
That you are not going to hurt me again.
That you won't say things to me, that you already said.
Because I already know them,
Because they already hurt...

Trust.

I know you will stick around.
I know you won't walk away.

But I keep wondering why.
Why did you leave me standing there.
Why did you leave me behind,
Wondering,
Thinking,
Asking myself...
How the hell did this happen??

Don't you know that my trust dies little by little.
Every time someone walks away.
Leaving me promises.
And breaking them right after.
Leaving me doubting,
What's real and what's not.
Because sometimes I don't know what is right and what is wrong...
And I am having a hard time believing in good things,
Believing in people's good intentions...

I should try to talk to you.
And allow you to get to know me a little bit better...
I am sure it will make you understand me a little bit better...

Questions and answers.

Questions with no answers.
Answers with no questions.

Because every answer you did not ask for,
Will always come sooner than you want to.

And every answer you did ask for,
Will come slowly,
And will probably pop up when you stopped thinking about it.

From sunrise to sundown...

My mind froze,
For a few seconds...

When the beautiful blue sky,
Caught my eyes.

And as I sat down,
I enjoyed the warm sunlight,
Warming every single vein in my body.
And I kept on watching,
Until the sun went down.

When the moon rose,
And showed her virginly light,
I felt like running.

I ran like,
I had never run before.

Because it was the full moon that I saw in the sky,
I felt like howling,
Like a wolf.

And afterwards,
I felt exhausted.

I lay down on the ground.
The shadows of the trees,
Covered my whole body,
Like a blanket.

The sound of the wind,
Moving the leaves,
In the trees,
Sang me to sleep.

When I woke up in the morning,
The world around me,
Was forever changed.

I miss you..

I start to understand your words more and more.
And I am learning more and more every day...
I just wish I could tell you I do.
And every day,
I search for your face.
And every day I don't see,
A single trace of you.
I miss your voice.
I miss your face.
And your smile...

Anywhere.

Ask me to join you to anywhere.
I would follow you anywhere.
If you'd ask me to.

Because I love the things you do.
Because I love the places you go.

Somehow I know,
I won't be able to say 'no' to you.

I wish I knew

Your heart is still connected to everything I do or say.
And I still remember all those memories.
But with me banned from your life,
All those memories seem so far away.
And I wish I could talk to you.
But I can't.
So I don't really know what to do...

Not my memory

I was not there.
That was not my memory.
That was not my face.
This was not my place.
That was not your face.
That was not my body.
Those were not my lips.
That was not our reflection in the curtains at my place.
Those were not my colours and your scent,
Spread out on my pillows.

It must have been someone else's memory.
Someone must have told me something,
And I must have remembered it as a memory of my own.

:X

I love the way you make every single mistake.
I love your imperfections.

I can't hate you for them.
I can't blame you for them.

Because I love every single thing about you.
The good and the bad things.

Stranger.

I will do this.
I just hope it will work.
I just hope something will change.
Because last times, nothing really changed...

It has been going on for way too long.
And I know if I don't do something now,
Things could get even worse than they already are.

I hope you will understand me,
Stranger.
I hope you will accept me and take me serious.
I hope together we will find out,
Where did it go wrong?

Nothing.

I go left.
I go right.
And nothing happens.
And I want to say something.
But it won't matter a single thing.
My words are stuck between my heart and my head.
Problem is, I have no control over anything.
I wish I could take back control.
And do whatever I want.
I wonder when everything will turn back to normal.
Because I am so damn sick,
Of everything.

You don't know.

You know my name.
But you barely know me on the inside.
You don't know my past.
And you barely know my present.

Then how come,
You are not more careful,
With what you do and say.
I don't understand.

Anyway.
You're out.
Cheated.
And I am taking back control.

/ - \

I am sorry I left you alone.
I am sorry I wasn't there.
I can't be there anymore.
I can't give anymore.
Because I have already given myself away.
And I am taking myself back.
I am taking back my heart.
Because I feel like it doesn't belong with you.

The Holy Spirit

I want to see your heart on fire.
I want to see your heart overflowing with emotions.
I want to see every locked tear of you break free.
I want to see your spirit burning with passion.
I want to see your heart filled with joy.
I want to see you filled with happiness, dancing till you drop.

The Holy Spirit will fill your heart with fire,
Fill it with joy and happiness.
Make your heart overflow with emotions.
And make your spirit burn with passion.
The Holy Spirit will make you dance,
Like you have never danced before.
Will make you laugh, like you have never laughed before.
And it will make you long for more.
More love.
More happiness.
&
More passion.

It burns

I wish there was something positive to recieve.
But there is not.
I can't see anything positive here.
And everytime I see words,
Your words,
Your ways,
Your things,
Everything that's yours or about you.
Something pulls me back in.
Something breaks and something burns.
Something good appears and something bad appears.

And it breaks.
And it burns.
I hate it.
But I can't hate you.

Questioning.

Come on and get out.
You should not be doing this.
You should work on your future.
You should work on yourself.
And you should pay more attention to the ones around you.
The ones that care about you.

Why are you so caught up with this?
It's not worth it.
It really isn't.
You should know.
I think you know.
But you just can't let it go,
Can you?

In a world like yours.
Your mind is something rare.
Because no-one seems to really understand it.

You should care more for yourself.
Instead of others.
Why are you always giving yourself away?
When others aren't intending to stay.
When some people are only there.
Because they are there.
And afterwards you are lost and alone again.
Just like before.

You should seek some help.
You should look for that person,
Who can help you out.
Because they,
Can't help you.

Freedom.

And the only sounds were the birds that were singing.
It was so beautiful.
Even though the remembered memories were not pretty at all.
I hope we all realise.
That freedom is a gift.
Not something that usual, or normal.
And I know freedom is here.
But I can't help think,
What if freedom wasn't here?
What if war and death ruled our country?
I wonder how our world would be.
Without freedom.

The sound of the church

And even now I think.
Why would a little child be afraid of the bells of the church.
I still don't understand...
But when I was younger,
That sounds gave me the creeps.
I was so damn scared.
And now something in me recalls that memory.
While hearing it again.
And I still don't understand.

Sorry ..

The truth is:
I am not angry.
I don't hate you.
It's just,
I am imperfect as hell...
I am truly sorry if I did anything to upset you..

Not perfect.

Here are my hands,
They are empty.
Here is my body,
It's not perfect.
Here is my heart,
It's a little damaged
And I think it looks awful.
Here is my mind,
No-one really understand what's on my mind.
Not even you.
I don't like it.
But I accept it.
Because I will find someone who will understand it someday.
So that doesn't matter to me.
What does matter,
Is that you understand that I don't hate you.
That I am always slightly afraid.
For so many things.
No-one would notice,
But I know I am.
I am crazy.
Out of my mind.
Emotional.
Sensitive.
And negative as hell.

But I want you to know,
That I don't recognize you, because of the things you do.
I will recognize you, because of the way you may make me feel.
Doesn't matter if it's good or bad.
Because I know them both.
But I can't feel them both at the same time.
That's simply impossible.
That's why I can't see anything positive, when all I feel is negatieve.

Fiction or truth ?

I am writing your words.
I am writing your letters and sentences.
On a piece of paper.

And I don't know what I am doing here.
I don't know where I am.
It's like I am lost in my truth and fiction.

My soul doesn't know anymore.
I don't know the difference between the truth.
And my own fiction.

And I don't know why I am still bound by my past.
I don't know what it is that I have to do.
To change who I am.

And I don't know why every whisper tells me,
That I don't belong here.

Then where do I belong?

Vanished.

And I drowned in your arms that night. Everything felt perfect and warm.
And our movements vanished in the air and were taken by wind.
Like nothing ever happened.
The day after I was wondering, was it all a dream? I guess it was.

Forgive, proces and let go.

I know that's my world.
And I know at first, I would rather so you dead.
Than alive.
I wanted something,
Someone,
Take you deep into the ground,
And make you bleed,
So much,
You would beg for mercy.

But I just can't think that way anymore.
I want to forgive you.
Even though that means,
I have to forgive myself first.
Because I have never forgiven myself for that night.
For that time.

I know you changed...
I just hope you really see,
The pain,
And memories that still live in me.

It has been 4 and a half year now....
And all I want to do,
Is proces everything,
And move on.

You decide

Fiction and reality collide.
Faceless and so busted up inside.
You've been searching you've been crying out.
Will you be destroyed by all your doubt?


You decide
(Who will you run to)
Wrong or right
(There is no reason)
For you to hide
Only love can change your life.
You decide

God is calling out to you again.
Let Him pull you, let Him take you in.
From the fear that swallows up for your life.
Will you stay the same or will you fight?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1P1t7sp7m3g&feature=fvwrel

Unbreakable.

Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me.
They hide just out of sight
Can't face me in the light.
They'll return but I'll be stronger.


God, I want to dream again.
Take me where I've never been.
I want to go there.
This time I'm not scared.
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable,
No one can touch me,
Nothing can stop me.


Sometimes it's hard to just keep going,
But faith is moving without knowing.
Can I trust what I can't see?
To reach my destiny?
I want to take control but I know better.








Forget the fear it's just a crutch,
That tries to hold you back,
And turn your dreams to dust,
All you need to do is just trust.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umVl0Mb7CsU

Bound.

I wish I could find my own track in these memories.
But everything leads me back to you.
And I wish I could make this my own.
But everything I experienced,
Is something we experienced.
It is something that we both experienced.
Together...
But not forever...

You are the reason I can't listen,
To those songs.
You are the reason,
I can't go back to that place.
You are the reason,
I still feel weird and out of place.

Our hearts entwined.
Our memories entwined.
And I still feel like I am connected to you.
And I can't free myself.

Holy Fire.

Ever since then,
Your music brings me to tears.
You bring up the tears that I hide.
Like my emotions are running out of control.

You make my heart sing.
You set my heart on fire.
You make me sing:
'Glory, glory to my God
Glory to the Highest King
Glory, Jesus, we will sing,
Forever'

I wish for you,
That one day,
Your heart will be touched too.
That your heart will overflow with emotions.
So your heart will be on fire one more time.
Not because of my love.
Because of His love.

Critisize.

I don't understand what's wrong with going your own way.
Did I ever blocked you from going your own way?
Did I ever said anything about your ways of living?
Did I ever said it was wrong?

I don't think I did...

Then why do I have to critisized for doing what I do?

I am not like you.
And I will never be you.
Because everyone is different.
I try to accept you with all I can.
But this...
I don't feel like I can accept it.
It hurts.
And again,
I am afraid to speak.
I am afraid to do.
When someone will be there to make me feel guilty,
About who I am.
I don't think that's what anyone wants, right?

Set fire to the rain.

I let it fall, my heart. 
And as it fell, you rose to claim it. 
It was dark and I was over, 
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me. 
My hands, they were strong, but my knees were far too weak, 
To stand in your arms without falling to your feet. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlsBObg-1BQ

Wonderwall.

Today is gonna be the day, 
That they're gonna throw it back to you. 
By now you should've somehow, 
Realized what you gotta do. 
I don't believe that anybody, 
Feels the way I do about you now. 

Today was gonna be the day? 

But they'll never throw it back to you.
By now you should've somehow,
Realized what you're not to do,
I don't believe that anybody,
Feels the way I do,
About you now.