Broken

If only you could see what you did to me.
You tore my world apart by being selfish.
You left wounds, which I don't know how to heal.


Did you know how broken my heart already was when you met me?


It has been like this as long as I remember.

Mountains and other amazing things.

I have no idea what to say.
I don't have to words to describe what I feel or think.
So I stand there,
Speechless,
Smiling,
Letting my heart flutter around like a butterfly or,
Being amazed,
Staring...

Clueless

How come every time you send me song,
It's like you know me better than I do myself..

My way out.

I know I was expecting something good. I mean hanging out with special friends is always good. But I guess it was better than I expected.
It feels unreal, like it never happened. Did this happen? Can I just hop on an airplane and go to wherever I want to?

I guess that guy doesn't know how happy he made me last weekend. I was overwhelmed.

I feel sad it's over.
But at the same time it gave me the strength to start over. It gave me the strength to continue and fight for the things I love and the dreams I have. I had to go and find myself again. I had to be me again.  So this marked a new beginning, ''open up the door to a different shore"

Going there, meeting up is like going back in time four years ago.

Little did I know that four years ago I was going to meet someone that four years later would mean my way out of the mess I got myself into four years later...

It's strange how God planned everything, but now I at least know there was a reason. No that was no coincidence that we met. I still can't exactly figure out what it was. But it certainly wasn't just a coincidence...

Scribbles

I still don't think I quite get it.

'That is something you have to figure out on your own' 

I stick to the facts as they are.
Maybe I'll never fully understand.

Coward.

So you lied.
You cheated.
You didn't care.
I want to punch you in the face.
Don't expect me to help you.
Don't expect me to care for you.



Lost "Flashed before my eyes"

Charlie: "Oi, don't walk away from me. Don't know how you're doing what it is you're doing, but I know a coward when I see one."

I thought I was losing, but I was winning...

I hope you lose everything... So you finally know what it feels like, to be left alone.

Hanging, bleeding to death...
When your friends have to carry you home, because you can't breathe anymore...

You seriously wouldn't know and I am not going to tell.

You dropped down 10 levels and you aren't even close to realizing what a shitty mistake you just made...

As for me... I am leveling every month and I am going to find a stronger and kinder heart...
Until then，I will take good care of my heart...

Karma is a bitch.

Do you remember when you ripped out my heart?
I know you didn't care.
You approached me from behind and ripped it out just like that.
You thought it wouldn't hurt,
Well it did.
You thought I needed it in order to survive...
There was blood everywhere.
I remember the way you looked at me.
How surprised you were.
When I grabbed that knife on the table...
And I stabbed you and cut out your heart...
You choked and dropped on the ground.
I got back my heart and ran off...
I put your heart in your freezer.. 
Too bad you are not as strong as me... I didn't need my heart to survive... You did... So you died and woke up like a zombie...
Nobody wants you now...

Unexpected? No

Why am I not surprised?
You are exactly like your mother...
And I am so glad I got out of that mess.
I am alive and kicking.
I know you don't give a fuck about others...
You never really did.
I don't know if she taught you that or if it's just some defense system.
Anyway, you making me laugh right now.
I am laughing my ass off.
I am a mean bitch right now.
And I couldn't care less.
You mean nothing to me.
You are an asshole.
And I am glad God has better plans for me.

I will promise You from now on,
I will be more patient Lord.
Because last time I wasn't patient I ran into someone bad.

It's like you stole my friends...
And now you are ditching one of them?
Are you fucking kidding me ?
Do you even know what friendship means?
Do you even know how this relationship is going to turn out?
No?
Let me tell you:
You will end up alone if you don't do something.
People aren't going to be patient forever....

Gripped from hell

I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition

Castiel, Supernatural, Lazarus Rising

I am long gone.

Stop acting shady!
Stop provoking me!
I already know what is going on.
And I do not want to know what I don't know.
I have been running a one way road for a zillion kilometers now.
I have moved on.
I am not that person anymore.
I need this fight that is going on inside of me.
I need something to fight for.
And I am not going to stop until I have won.
I will win.
And you will lose.
You don't have the right to do this to me.



I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me
Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I'm thinking like the mistake I made doesn't hurt
But it's not gonna work
Cause it's really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something that you were not
And now this guilt is really all that I got

The past

I still remember the day I started this blog.
It was just after you left me.
After you left me hanging and waiting for days.
You told me I had to wait.
I was so afraid, I couldn't bare feeling anxious anymore.
So I started talking to you again.
And you broke up with me.

After that, I found someone else.
I thought this time it would be different.
But I was wrong again.
Some people just don't have it in them to be the one for you.
Some people just don't know how to handle you.
Some people are not worth your time or love.
When you have given everything.
When you have tried everything.
When you don't get a second chance, a real second chance.
You stop caring.
When you know all you did was love that one person.
You cared more about him than anyone else in the world.

It feels like I have lost who I truely was.
It feels like I lost my friends and family.
I know I might not get back.
I know it might hurt.
But I want you to know.
What you did was mean.
It was plain mean.
You didn't think for a second about the consequences or about my feelings.
In fact I really wonder if you every thought about my feelings.
All I know is that for now it's the past.
If you ever consider coming back, you better make an effort.
Because I am not.

I don't know you

At first, I was excited to see you and meet you.
So I acted nice and I really liked being around you, because one day you would become my family.
Then things started to get awkward.
Things happened, things I did not understand.
Still I tried to work things out and be nice.
I just wanted to be a part in your life, build a bond and understand who you were.

Then I saw my own heart cry and it felt like you didn't care.
I didn't understand why.
Yet I still tried, but at a certain point I just didn't feel responsible for your relationship.
Which in fact really isn't my responsibility, so that's what I told you: "I have nothing to do with your relationship."

Then you got angry...
I don't know why and you deleted me, out of nowhere...
I didn't understand why.

Then I tried one more time and you scolded me like a little child.

I am not your child.
You are not more important than me.
You can't break me
You have nothing to do with my life.
You have nothing to do with my relationship.
You do not respect me or my heart.
You do not care about anyone but yourself.
And I am done chasing you.
I am done trying to please you, trying to be kind to you.
I never really knew you and I don't want to know you.
I don't know you.

Rainbows

You were my coldest winter
You made me laugh
You made me cry
You taught me so many things
You created new opportunities
You gave me new friendships
You gave me the best memories I ever had
You will always have a special place in my heart
You are my home
And you will always be my magic.
I love you.

Friends?!

I remember the sadness
I was alone
And when I needed you
You weren't there
You were always considerate about others
But I don't understand, why were you never considerate about me
When you needed someone to take care of you, I was there
Because that's what a friend does...
So my question still remains: where you ever a friend?

Random strangers

There you were
With my past
You met me
And I remembered
How things used to be
How I liked it, when I was different
My clothes, my style, my music
You made me miss the old me
I guess that is why you were interesting to me
I am still different, unique
And I wish I could help you
I tend to attract people with problems
I want to tell you: 'I will pray for you, God will take care of you'
But I know that after all that has happened to you, believing in something good like God will be hard
Still I will pray for you
Because I know that is all I can do
I barely knew you
But we have become friends in such a short time
It felt random
Like a random stranger started talking to me on that day
I do not think it was a coincidence.